{"id":4800,"date":"2017-10-10T20:40:54","date_gmt":"2017-10-10T20:40:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/movementformodernlife.com\/blog\/?p=4800"},"modified":"2017-10-16T11:23:53","modified_gmt":"2017-10-16T11:23:53","slug":"habit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/movementformodernlife.com\/blog\/habit\/","title":{"rendered":"i want to change a habit"},"content":{"rendered":"

Corrina Gordon-Barnes answers the question of how to deal with frustration and irritation with your partner who’s not helping you with a new\u00a0habit.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Q: I feel hurt and frustrated with\u00a0my<\/span>\u00a0fianc\u00e9.\u00a0<\/span>I\u2019m desperately trying to\u00a0change<\/span>\u00a0a\u00a0habit<\/span>\u00a0and get to bed earlier,\u00a0but\u00a0<\/span>when I start making a move upstairs just before 10pm, he complains and looks grumpy.<\/h3>\n

This is a really difficult\u00a0habit<\/span>\u00a0to\u00a0change<\/span>\u00a0and I\u00a0want<\/span>\u00a0him to support\u00a0me<\/span>. Right now, it feels like he\u2019s\u00a0working<\/span>\u00a0against<\/span>\u00a0me<\/span>, not on\u00a0my<\/span>\u00a0side. I\u00a0want<\/span>\u00a0him to care about\u00a0me<\/span>\u00a0enough to make it easier for\u00a0me<\/span>\u00a0to make this\u00a0change<\/span>.<\/h3>\n

A: This is a really challenging situation. Changing a\u00a0habit<\/span>\u00a0means moving beyond the status quo. This can take tremendous effort; it\u2019s understandable to feel demoralised when your nearest and dearest seems to add yet more resistance to try and move beyond.<\/p>\n

Habit<\/span>\u00a0change<\/span>\u00a0can feel nearly impossible \u2013\u00a0but<\/span>\u00a0there is a way to achieve what you\u2019ve committed to and not carry resentment at your partner. Here\u2019s how.<\/p>\n

Consider WHY your\u00a0fianc\u00e9<\/span>\u00a0complains.<\/h3>\n

Why doesn\u2019t he\u00a0want<\/span>\u00a0you to go bed at a healthy hour?<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a good chance it\u2019s because he wants you to be near him\u00a0\u2013\u00a0because he enjoys your company or likes physical closeness in the evenings.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

See if you can find the positive intent behind his complaint.<\/p>\n

Would you prefer the opposite \u2013\u00a0if he couldn\u2019t care less whether you were with him or not?<\/p>\n

Your ideal scenario is probably that your\u00a0fianc\u00e9<\/span>\u00a0loves being near you and also wants to support your new\u00a0habit<\/span>\u00a0so he would choose to come to bed early too.<\/p>\n

While that scenario would be wonderful, when you\u2019re thinking this way, you\u2019re in a realm you have no control over.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t make him think, feel or act differently \u2013\u00a0that\u2019s all within his control.<\/h3>\n

Arguing mentally\u00a0against<\/span>\u00a0what\u2019s happening and fantasising about how he should be only causes you stress and frustration.<\/p>\n

We are in our child-self when we argue\u00a0against<\/span>\u00a0reality; seeing ourselves as a victim of someone else\u2019s decisions is a\u00a0 disempowering place to live from.<\/p>\n

The key is to accept reality because you can then communicate and make requests from that place. What\u2019s the reality?<\/h3>\n

Your\u00a0fianc\u00e9<\/span>\u00a0doesn\u2019t\u00a0want<\/span>\u00a0to go to bed yet and he\u2019d prefer for you to be near him.<\/p>\n

Once you\u2019ve acknowledged this internally, you can then speak with him from this calm, adult-self foundation.<\/p>\n

You might say something like:<\/h3>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve made a commitment to myself to get to bed by 10pm each night and\u00a0my<\/span>\u00a0preference is that you come with\u00a0me<\/span>. I love chatting \/ snuggling \/\u00a0 making love with you. I also get that you\u2019re not tired yet and I\u2019m really touched that you\u2019d prefer\u00a0me<\/span>\u00a0to be near you. If it doesn\u2019t work for you to come to bed now, I understand that and I look forward to spending time with you again tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

When you communicate in this way, you\u2019re honouring your commitment to yourself.<\/h3>\n

From this foundation of standing up for yourself, you\u2019re then inviting your beloved to join you in that commitment \u2013\u00a0but<\/span>\u00a0it\u2019s a request, not a demand.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a statement of your preference, not an insistence that he shows up a certain way. You\u2019re not wrong in your preference \u2013\u00a0and nor is he, so when you speak with him, don\u2019t make him wrong.<\/p>\n

Look at it this way: Your\u00a0fianc\u00e9<\/span>\u00a0represents the part within yourself that doesn\u2019t\u00a0want<\/span>\u00a0to\u00a0change<\/span>\u00a0this\u00a0habit<\/span>.<\/h3>\n

You can come into intimacy with him by acknowledging this: \u201cI really identify with that look of disapproval on your face.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

There\u2019s definitely a part of\u00a0me<\/span>\u00a0that doesn\u2019t\u00a0want<\/span>\u00a0me<\/span>\u00a0to go to bed earlier!\u201d This truth-telling creates connection and the feeling of being on the same team.<\/p>\n

You can do this.<\/h3>\n

Recall the times when you\u2019ve changed a\u00a0habit<\/span>\u00a0without someone else\u2019s support and shore up your self-belief with these memories.<\/p>\n

Once you find confidence in yourself that you have what it takes to\u00a0change<\/span>\u00a0this\u00a0habit<\/span>, you\u2019re no longer feel dependent on support that\u2019s outside your control \u2013\u00a0and then any support you do receive is a wonderful bonus.<\/p>\n

Send to Facebook<\/a><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Corrina Gordon-Barnes answers the question of how to deal with frustration and irritation with your partner who’s not helping you with a new\u00a0habit. Q: I feel hurt and frustrated with\u00a0my\u00a0fianc\u00e9.\u00a0I\u2019m desperately trying to\u00a0change\u00a0a\u00a0habit\u00a0and get to bed earlier,\u00a0but\u00a0when I start making a move upstairs just before 10pm, he complains and looks grumpy. This is a really […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":5135,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[707,991,878],"class_list":["post-4800","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","tag-corrina-gordon-barnes","tag-frustration","tag-relationship-advice"],"yoast_head":"\ni want to change a habit - Movement for Modern Life Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Corrina Gordon-Barnes answers the question of how to deal with frustration and irritation with your partner who's not helping you with a new habit.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/movementformodernlife.com\/blog\/habit\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"i want to change a habit - 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